According to my internet-generated BMI, which I know is not completely accurate but still, I am overweight by .2 whatever-is-their-system-of-measurement.

That is something that has never been true before.

**Update, about three minutes later, but after I posted the next post**

I am worried about this for two, make that three, reasons:

One: I have been told my whole life "don't end up like us/your mother" and at the same time that I secretly want to become extraordinarily fat for pure spite, I am also very, very, very afraid of never being able to lose it once I have it.

Two: I want to be an actor, and actors aren't allowed to be slightly overweight. It's all or nothin' and I hate it but I'm going along with it and I don't know why, except that

Three: I am tired, and listless, and get out of breath so easily. I have no energy, and I might be a little depressed, which makes me not sleep, which makes me anxious, which makes me really not sleep. Maybe I'm not depressed though, maybe I just don't sleep. Either way it makes me more anxious and more lazy, and more fat. I can feel the toxins in my body pooling around my shoulders and neck, and in my belly. My pants don't fit. I know Steve loves me and thinks I'm a hottie, but I want to think that, too. I'm tired of seeing pictures of myself crop up on facebook, and being surprised at how I look. My looks were never something that took up a lot of my thoughts, and I'd like that to be true again. I know I'm obsessing over a subtle weight gain, but I've never been this size before and I guess that's how it starts. I want to be healthy, I want to feel healthy, I want to like what I see in the mirror.

I got myself a membership to the Y, and I just need to stick with it. Feeling bad about myself is just not something with which I'm interested in living. On the day-to-day, anyway.

ink :: graphite