i haven't updated in a long time.

i've been filing.

miles of manila folders scribbled over in sharpie with generalized labels in an attempt to organize a life recorded on scraps of compressed forest.

awards. programs. scripts. folders. binders. spirals. classwork. essays. pamphlets. notes. letters. post-its. cards. ticket stubs.

but most important are the corners and backs and margins of these papers, where the scribbled bits of thought lie strewn onto the nearest outlet within arm's reach. random burning pieces of mind are flung from a head so full to bursting that a ticket stub, the back of a flier, a margin on a reciept is suddenly nothing short of perfect.

doodles. rants. quotes. observations. descriptions. lists. stories. ideas. letters unsent. musings. reactions. humor. depth. anger. frustration. giddiness. despair. melancholy. fear. bliss. confusion. contentment. hope. annoyance. randomness. bias. fiction. truth.

i kept a journal in middle school. it disgusts me.
i keep scraps of paper now. they free me.

though many are a record of thinks lying dormant in the back of my mind until my eyes skim the trigger and the memories come crashing down and engulf me in the past. suddenly it is 1998, 2000, freshman, sophomore, junior year and things are different. only this time i know what happens in the end and it makes me so uncomfortable i refold the paper, place it gently in a folder and tuck it away, out of sight for the next however-long.

old thoughts are hard to face.
especially if they are recently old.

ink :: graphite