finishing the rules of attraction. book's a mindfuck just like the movie. fuckers. couple more reads and it'll be my favorite. second only to on the road, nothing beats that. don't know why all my favorite things are saturated, entrenched with copious drug use. will explore later when not itching to read and write and lose mySelf in literature.

book's not even a mindfuck, a mindrape more like. forces me into submission and drains all sense or stability from my life, sucking it dry and turning me inside out until i can't even remember if i said no or not. too drunk with prose to know what hit me. slowed reactions. haven't finished the book and already can't think straight.
mindrape.

christmas with the other side of the family tonight. it was nice. don't really know how to explain, so won't.

been writing so much in my journal lately. not this one, this one is different. this is speaking aloud to myself. that is innermost thoughts that i wish i could speak aloud but don't have the balls. should get said balls. this is important. am writer. am going to need to deal with people reading work. fuck.

need to finish rules and read the prince. dunno why.

wish i had stories to tell like everyone else in the family, but i was too young when everyone was alive. two years too late i told my brother but it's true of me too. all the most vibrant people die young. the age gap is closing but how do i tell them i don't have a hangar up my ass without... without them thinking... i don't know what i want them to think. but how do i tell them? maybe they already know. i'll never tell.

too many things go unspoken.

it might be bad to reach my level of apathy toward character flaws, but it doesn't seem any better to never accept people for who, for what they are. doesn't feel right.

apathy feels right and that is frightening.

the spattered grammatical atrocities in this book have to mean something. they have to.

mindrape.

ink :: graphite