i have what began as an anecdote.

but first, some background:

a couple friends of mine compiled something of a "soul-searching" list...
[warning: the language is somewhat colorful at points, but i really don't believe substitutions properly fit the true connotation of the original in this case]

the person (people) you would...
marry:
date:
fuck:
kill:
spend the rest of your life with:

i'm very intrigued by this list. and i'm even more intrigued by the potential answers of everyone else in the world. and i have decided to elicit said answers from every person in the world.
because i can.
it is now my life's goal.
...that and ultimately visiting brittany, france and calling out from a mountaintop.
but that's another list.

so it's an extremely intriguing question and i was trying to get everyone in the world to fill it out, beginning with the table next to mine at lunch. most of course refused to put real answers
(the only rule is that one cannot put down people he or she has never met, ie. famous people)
but that was to be expected and i'm far more likely to be encouraged by negative reactions anyway, as opposed to discouraged like the rest of the so-called regular populace. but then random jerkface at the table decided it would be funny to rip my lists in half. not only that but crumple them in a ball and smash them on the table. for no reason at all other than spite and the disgusting overconfidence oozing from every orafice of an "untouchable."

i was so shocked and reacted so quickly and angrily that i didn't even realize i had slapped him in the face before it was done.

of course a chorus of "ooooohhhh!!"s erupted from the table peppered with some surprised laughter, but underneath the jokes was an overwhelming feeling of

"woah. she's serious."

i could feel it, and all eyes on me as i demanded my lists be given back, and immediately.

i just kept repeating
"give them to me. no, give them to me. give. them. to me."
as he entreatied me to hit him again and again and i refused. over and over, back and forth until... i don't even remember. i finally snapped and did it again in frustration, though i don't think i hit him as hard.
(though neither was really hard at all, just a shock to all involved)
it was then that he shoved the ripped, crumpled mess into his mouth and ate my lists. as in chewed them up and swallowed them. as in melted my words into a papery sludge and boiled them alive in his cocky digestive tract. finally, defeated and with nothing left to repossess, i just whirled around and left.

when he ripped out that page of my notebook, it felt he had ripped at my soul.
because, in a sense, he did.

everything goes into those notebooks: notes, deadlines, rants, phone numbers, driving directions, classwork, observations, reminders, stories, descriptions, quotes, ideas, poems, lists. my life. my soul. my very existence rests scrawled across the five or six spiral notebooks i keep on my person at all times.

i've only slapped someone one other time in my entire life, and it, like this time, was a knee-jerk reaction to a friend far overstepping his bounds and striding dangerously close to my ever-so-closely-guarded inner monologue. both times seemed unwarranted, both times no one but myself knew remotely how deep the seemingly stray comment or action had slashed at that fiercely protected open wound that is so many of our self-images.

though i feel bad for allowing my emotions to grab hold of me and yank me forward into physical altercation, i don't apologize for my rash actions. because intentional or not, you don't do that to a person.

you just don't.

~~~~~

p.s. read this

"...and the magi, they didn't tell king herod about what they had seen, all because random angel told them he wasn't trustworthy. that's crazy faith. i'd like to think i have that kind of faith somewhere in me."

me too, mags. me too.

~~~~~

p.p.s. fill out the list. it's difficult. but you can do it. i believe in you.

~~~~~

p.p.s.s. was wholly surprised at the supportive reactions to my own negative ones...

uninvolved (8:31:43 PM): im proud of you
me (8:31:45 PM): loserface ate my lists
me (8:31:47 PM): lol
me (8:31:49 PM): why?
uninvolved (8:32:10 PM): i have never heard or seen you be mad before
me (8:32:30 PM): haha i was mad too
me (8:33:33 PM): he ate my lists
uninvolved (8:33:43 PM): thats gay
me (8:33:56 PM): [author's note: though i visibly cringed at the choice of slang] agreed
me (8:34:35 PM): i really didn't intend to slap him in the face.. but once it was done i certainly wasn't going to back down
uninvolved (8:35:15 PM): he is a dick most of the time
me (8:35:41 PM): which is why i refused to back down
uninvolved (8:36:05 PM): nice, like i said, im proud of you
...
uninvolved (8:36:47 PM): i didnt believe it when i heard it

the comments in bold were repeated a few times by more than one person. it made me think. and write. extensively.

and now i stop.

ink :: graphite