i have a random note to myself on tape from the first time i ever directed anything. it was my sophomore year, and i was directing the show i wrote for nationals. the note goes a little something like this:

"note to self: never, ever be a director."

so the blackbox for my theatre ii class was today, and who could one find but me racing around like a chicken with my head cut off, running my fingers nervously through my hair and singing "the word of the day is arg, the word of the day is arg arg arg i hate i hate i hate..." as i readied my cast and steeled myself to watch the product of my fourth show as a director.

i really don't understand myself. but i suppose it's like theater in general. it's frustrating as all get-out, and i'm usually ready to snipe myself or my peers throughout the entire process, but when it comes right down to it i keep coming back. because i love it.

something about this simply runs through my veins. i don't know what it is or how it got there, but it's there nonetheless, and i can't deny it. it's like that drunk uncle that sits in the corner at every family get-together and tells racy stories about when all the adults were young... everyone tries to ignore him or accidentally lose his invitation to their wedding, but at the end of the day he's still family.

and i can tell i love it by the increased amount of paranoia i hold about my abilities in the area.
it's like writing. i live in a perpetual state of paralyzed fear that my last work was the climax of my career and i have peaked before i even started. ditto theater.

this is how i know it's something i should stick with.. i care about it deeply enough to want to fling myself off the roof when it's not perfect. i care about it deeply enough to feel absolutely exposed whenever i present myself to an audience like that. i care about it deeply enough to realize i care about it enough to want to do it for the rest of my life, in a time when i don't know what i want to do for the rest of a few hours.

so i guess it can stay.

ink :: graphite