we paused the movie and swore to finish it in the morning and i gripped her hand when we realized it was midnight and my birthday and i shuddered at the thought of nineteen and suddenly realized one day i would be gripping my own daughter's hand on her nineteenth birthday because things don't stop life doesn't stop and everything is going and ending and growing so quickly it makes my heart race like it did when i was little and literally paralyzed with fear of death at random times in my everyday life and all of a sudden i couldn't let go of her thumb i just wanted to hold it and hug her and stay in that moment forever because i was scared and wanted to still be small and young and comforted by parental immortality but now my parents' mortality scares me more than my own and i'm nineteen years old and all i want to do is cry.

i don't know what has come over me lately. i think i'm just tired of things changing.

i'm going to bed i'm sure i'll be excited in the morning. it's just the late-night willies, like you got when you were little and woke up from nightmares to a dark house and no sounds. i just need... sounds.

maybe i'll sing in the shower, just to remind myself i'm alive.

writing helps.

ink :: graphite