my nails are green and my mouth is smiling but my eyes keep closing and my head droops toward my desk...

thunk.

now my head kind of hurts but i'm smiling in spite of myself and i want to spin round and round in circles until i fall in the grass and then i will just lay there in the dewey goodness and look at the sky and breathe the spring...

suddenly i feel silly and embarrassed and i blush because the smile won't go away and i don't know what to do with it but try to tuck it away next to my cold, mistrusting heart where it will stay forever protected and i don't have to worry about it there.

no one can touch it there. no one can touch me there.

then i am pulled in a hundred different directions and i am guilty and giddy and terrified and always smiley like i have a secret... but exactly what secret i don't know yet

and i wonder am i supposed to feel so bad for feeling good?

regardless i do and i am forced to play life by ear and just hope i don't pull a brittany or kill myself from pure nerves and guilt and try not to feel so incredibly silly about everything i think.

i have ap tests and monologues and sound and costumes due tomorrow and seniors get out in 12 days and the wait may just kill me before i can get the chance to do the job myself and that might be nice, at least i won't go to hell on top of it...

and still i smile
grin at nothing

like i know what i'm doing

ink :: graphite